Self Sabotage: The Bully that Lives Rent Free in Your Mind

My dad had complicated relationships with others—and even more complicated was his relationship with himself. His childhood was difficult; his father died when he was a teenager, leaving my grandmother to raise six children on her own in the late 1960s.

My parents divorced when I was eight. From my childlike  perspective, their marriage seemed mostly good, but the divorce and the following 10+ years were contentious, heated, and unstable. Let’s just call it what it was. Awful. 

I believe my dad carried a lot of hidden pain, which showed up in how he treated those he felt had wronged him. He would fight relentlessly over trivial matters that most people wouldn’t consider worth the trouble, often immersing himself in pointless lawsuits over principle. When he had to let employees go, he sometimes treated them harshly—a behavior I had to confront him about when I was barely an adult myself.

Yet, ironically,, he allowed others—those he perceived as having power over him—to take advantage of him. It was heartbreaking because he was smart and capable. He didn’t need to seek approval or acceptance from anyone else.

I carried the self sabotage my dad carried for many years after his death. Like my dad, I never cut myself a break or slack for things beyond my control. It was so bad, a boss and mentor of mine told me she had never seen anyone be as hard on themself as I was. I learned that showing yourself kindness and compassion is part of that walk with resilience. I wish my dad could have experienced the same.